Well, it's been nearly 2 years since I posted anything on this blog. I've mainly done all my "Thought" writing on traditional notebooks, or posting several things on my own private blog that no one knows of - Simply because there is just some things that I need to write down or type that I want to remember, or perhaps even vent about, but want no one of particular knowledge to read those particular thoughts.
That said, I am now back on this blog, whether viewed by 1, or 1000.
What has caused me to write on this blog again? Well, I do have a lot of opinions I need to get off my chest. Also, today is my 34th birthday. I just passed the 5-year anniversary of the passing of my father, also passed the 5-year anniversary of my promotion within my job.
Being now that I feel that my mind has coped as best as it can with the passing of my father, and I feel I am out of the "rut" it put me in with regards to everything - My writing, my relationship with my children, my mother, and most importantly, the personal acceptance of myself. The only thing his death did not put me in "rut" with was my work. I wanted to persevere to make him proud, and excel at my job in order to know that he is and was proud of me. I now feel that I have accomplished that. Now, for the last year or two, I have begun the long process of self healing. What does this mean exactly? Anyone who has known me for an extended period of time know that I have always had personal self-esteem issues. There have been certain things and people in my life over the last 5 years that have effected me, and helped me to reevaluate my position on myself.
I remember right before my youngest son Lucian was born in the fall of 2005, I was having what many called an "existential crisis". Basically during the summer of 2005 through the spring of 2006, I was always worried that being a human meant nothing, and my life would have no purpose in the grand scheme of the universe. Eventually I got passed that and celebrated the birth of my youngest son, while mourning the passing of my dearest friend - My cat Beauty. Yes, I have been called silly for having a cat and deeming it my closest friend. I don't view it as silly at all. I got her when I was 5, and she lived until I was nearly 27. That's 22 years of her being in my life and knowing everything I went through, and experienced. If anyone had a bird's eye view of my life, it was her.
However, her life is something to be discussed on another day. I'm here today to talk about my feelings on getting older, and how the last 5 years have effected me.
I remember after my father passing that his life was not remembered by many, except for those closet to him - mainly myself, my mother and Kelly. It's almost as if my existential crisis I went through was almost a mirror reflection of what was to come for him a mere 2 years later. Well, I have been, and will continue to be the voice of him, making sure no one forgets who he was, or what kind of person he was. I have worked to the point of pure mental exhaustion to make sure this happens. While I spend the next few years trying to track down my brother and sister, James and Dawn, I will still be making sure that his name will not be forgotten.
I told the funeral home that I would write his obituary. The problem with that is, I started writing it, and it quickly turned into 20 pages. Over the last 5 years, it's turned into almost 75 pages. Hardly something you could put in a newspaper, so as I continue to write that as the months and years go by, I will continue to remember all the things he brought to this world, both good and bad, to make sure that he was once a member of our society.
Now that I am 34 years old now, I feel young still, but with a more clear idea of where I feel my life is going, and where I am likely to end up. I don't fear the future like I did back in my teens and early 20's. I actually embrace it now.
This last year has been particularly interesting. I mended fences with my mom after years of pointless bantering over things that can't be changed. I found a great friend that goes by the nickname HSP (Hi, darling) who has inspired me to not only improve my art of writing, but also to help me craft it into also becoming a better human being. I am forever grateful of the bond she has shared with me, and look forward to plenty more years of this bond.
I also realized in this last year just how strong minded a person Kelly really is. She has taken every dark situation, or mental anguish I may have been going through and turned it into a smooth transitional period in my life. She is truly the strongest soul I have ever met, and I love her forever in time. She is my spine, and without her, I wouldn't have gotten through anything.
I also re-established a bond with a very old friend of mine, sweet Audi. She was one of the people who helped me mold my writing way back in the mid 90's, and it's nice to finally speak with her again and see how much her life has changed, and how mature she has gotten. It may have even given me more ideas and is helping me mature more as a writer and a member of society.
Then of course I can't forget Rick and Shane. My two best friends. My brothers. I have known them for 20 years, and we have stories and memories that will forever fill my heart with the purest of joy. I love them, and always have. Rick, Shane - I love you two and the things you have done for me. The three of us have been to the pits of hell together and back. You guys are my blood, and I will always be your brother, even in the very end.
It's kind of funny to think that I didn't have many people in the world that I could confide in, but as I started typing this up and pondering what I was going to say, it astonishes me just how many people I do have and how much they love me, and how much I truly love them.
From Kelly, to Helen, to Audi, to Rick, Shane, and not least of which, Meria and Lucian. I love all of you, and whether you know it or not, all of you, in your own ways have helped me begin this process that my mother has spent the last 20 years trying to do - To get me to like myself.
I actually have found that while I am far from perfect, so is everyone else. I have put a ton of responsibility on my shoulders in regards to my family. I didn't think I could do it, but I have, and now I need to carry the torch even further and realize that I truly am a good person.
It's true that I would be what some would call a "tortured soul", but I think that after all this time, I have let a lot of the negativity go and have begun embracing the positive.
I may be flawed, but I know that I am good person. I try my hardest to take care of my family, I love my boys with all my heart, I want to take what I now consider my 4 closest friends and just hug them and never let go. Then, of course, there's my darling Flower. My backbone, my right AND left hand, and the person who fills my very soul. Kelly, my love, without you, I wouldn't even be able to begin to be in a position to forgive myself, let alone like myself.
In closing, I would just like to say this - This last 3 years has been so eventful, and endearing. However, as my father no doubt knows, I have persevered and am now ready to start rebuilding myself.
My mother told me once that I can't take care of others until I take care of myself first. Well, she was partially right. I have spent a long time taking care of those I love, and will continue to do so, but, for the sake of having a long and wonderful future with my boys, my dearest friends that I named earlier, and of course my beautiful flower, it's time I gave myself the boost that my mother has said I deserve.
I'm now 34 years old, and feel like a child still. I have matured in so many ways, but now it's time to mature in all the other ways, and i'm starting right at the very center of my soul and bringing it all out.
We'll see if I have the success that I hope I do. I vowed that I would not die hating myself like my father sadly did, and this will now begin the time where I start that process.
I look forward to more time to spend with all the ones I care about.
Finally, I just want to thank all of you for all your support and your companionship.
That is all for now on this post. Time to go write some more.
I'll be back here soon though. Until then, I am ghost.
